Chase of the Wolf

Chase of the Wolf was my first short film at film school, I was so nervous during this process. Being inspired by Atom Egoyan’s The Sweet Hereafter, I intertwined the story of the Three Little Pigs with my fictional story about a couple of kids who attempt to escape their alcoholic father.

There were so many tribulations on this production. Most stressful being that the “friend” who offered to play the third child chose to get drunk that night and be MIA for call time to drive to location (we carpooled from university). I started hyperventilating immediately – I thought the picture was finished. Who could I get on such short notice or no notice? My dear friend, who later became my producer, got behind the wheel and told me to start rewriting on the drive. We would make it work.

How could my story be an adaptation of the Three Little Pigs if there were only two ‘little pigs’? Not wanting to make my own screen debut while also directing, writing, producing, filming, and editing on my own, I pulled out my pencil and started cutting and editing my script. It felt all too natural to be making another draft – I had already done so many.

This was my first experience with lighting and the XL-1 that I was filming with so it was really trial and error. I learned so much just by doing it. When showing my film in narrative class, my teacher swore I filmed with the XL-2 because of how well lit she said my shots were. I was beaming. Something I thought would be ruined was turning out pretty okay.

I like to go back to this whenever I am starting a new project to remind myself that things always turn out better than I expect. As TG (my advisor and mentor) always says ‘always have a plan A – Z’ , This set taught me to be ready for everything and stay creative in working around a camera. I used a long board as a dolly for one shot and really just tried as many techniques as I could during the time I could get my friends to do whatever I said. It was great. Here’s a look at my very first film:

24 July , 20154 December , 2015 by Sam Categories: FilmTags: Atom Egoyan, Chase of the Wolf, cinema, Directing, DP, Editing, film, Filming, First Film, independent, Lighting, movie, plan, Problems, Producing, Solutuions, student, Sweet Hereafter, Three Little Pigs, Trials, Tribulations, writing Leave a comment

The Downward Spiral of Depression

“A father is supposed to make it all better” “Sometimes you can’t son, sometimes all you can do is be there for her”

This is the dialogue I heard that kept me up since 9am yesterday. Causing insane waterfalls to flow from my face and insomnia to set in worse than finals week that first semester of sophomore year. You know the one, when you’re very existence staying at a school depends on bringing your gpa back up to a 3.0 so you can keep your scholarships after you blew off freshman year. When you are so afraid of being a college drop out that you can’t sleep even if you wanted to. This was worse.

Maybe I should back up, you see the theme song to this show goes a little something like this ‘bent or broken it’s a family tree each branch a part of a part of me and this is my tree and it’s a good old tree’. Between that playing in my head, the dialogue that pierced through my very existence, and watching this girl that is supposed to be totally messed up have all her dreams come true, I couldn’t take it anymore.

Everyone has a struggle and every one of us is a little different. I care so much about other people and making things okay for them that I lose myself in the process. It’s time to come clean. Every single day is a constant battle between remembering the good memories of my own dad – I was seven or under for those ones – and the shadowed memories that cloud the next fourteen years of my life.

The pain that I feel when I think about all of the times we would bail him out of jail or make sure he had clothes on his back and a little food to eat. Or when he would rather spend his birthday shooting dope than come see me and the cake that I saved up to make for him. All of the stage plays and lacrosse games he missed, not to mention both graduations.

I always wished I would have that movie moment where I look out into the crowd and see him standing in the back. For years I would avoid anyone asking me about who I came from. Avoiding all the kids that may have known him back when my good memories exist. The golden age. Not just golden because they were happy but because we were always outside!

He taught me to surf and to sail, hell he probably taught me to swim too. I’ve been swimming longer than I can walk so who knows. He taught me not to judge a man until you stepped into their shoes, and that life can rain on your parade – literally. He taught me to know directions based off of the ocean and the stars. He taught me what it feels like to lose someone who is quite literally a part of you.

The worst pain of all though, that was when I finally came to terms with the fact that he was gone and I hadn’t even answered his calls in an entire year. How could he forgive me? How could I forgive him? How could I ever live with myself? I still battle these questions and doubts on a daily basis and they surface in the strangest ways. Job hunting and feeling afraid to apply to a position because you aren’t worthy. Meeting new people and just knowing they will leave you. That something more important will always come along and you will be cast aside. Not wanting to look at yourself in the mirror because you look like him. Wondering why you bother to try if you’re a failure like him. Knowing you will never get to say sorry and it mean what you really want it to mean.

Do you ever have these bouts in life? Insomnia, depression, and anxiety takes over and it seems as if you cannot function any longer. I would love to hear your coping methods, I’ve taken a three hour nap in the past thirty six hours and now attempting to burn some lavender oil, keep the lights down low, and drink a little to get tired.

Link to the show

20 January , 201820 January , 2018 by Sam Categories: IdeasTags: dad, depression, father, insomnia, life, rants, writing Leave a comment

Figuring it Out

Building websites, practicing to teach online, living on a minimalist budget, these are the things filling my time.

Sure I still have times where I get overly emotional watching a movie or show with a strong father figure who is there and doing right by his family. We all have our weaknesses. But the last week or so I have reminded myself how to use photoshop and how to build websites – I built one for my own photography you can see here. A friend liked it so much that I was asked to help build one for their music which I am working on now. The beauty of this project is that I also get to do some photoshoots to have some media for the site which also builds my own portfolio. These are just fun things for me to do and it got me thinking that I could potentially make some money off of these skills. It’s weird to call them skills because they feel more like hobbies to me. I’m also teaching my friend about instagram and how to grow a following organically and beat some of the algorithms in place. I’ve been building my instagram this month and am up over 200 followers with a much higher engagement rate just within the last couple of weeks. It has taken a lot of research and creating a new morning routine to incorporate these newly created habits for posting and engagement but it is working better than I thought it would.

I’ve also been continuing down the road of creating a location independent income; I’m selling some stock photos online and preparing for an interview to teach English online. I made a paper chain for the first time since I was probably six and I’m using my rubber ducky collection for props. I have to have a puppet of sorts so I’m using the only stuffed animal type creature in my apartment – a Mr. Meeseeks from Rick and Morty. But I figure the young children will just think he is a weird character and not actually know what it is from. I’m really taking my time to do the interview mostly because February is the Chinese New year and I have come to understand that it is a quiet month for this type of work. I figure, why rush myself to be done with training etc. if I will just get discouraged by a slow month. I would rather take it slow and know I am prepared and ready for my first students in March.

All of these things are helping me continue freelancing without having to commit to a time consuming job. But odds are I will end up doing some serving again soon to make even more cash and possibly vagabond across the US. Now I know what you are thinking, thats a pretty bold statement. But I’ve run some numbers and honestly, it is cheaper to live on the road than pay all these bills just to stay in the same place. When I drove from Florida to New York it only cost me $100 in gas and I am completely comfortable camping as much as possible and using Airbnb in places I can’t. Plus it would give me the opportunity to visit with some friends across the country I haven’t seen in a while. I’ve been to some great places around the world but I have never left the east coast of my own country – there is so much I am missing out on. Since I have been connecting with so many wonderful traveling ladies and seeing their pictures it has been building a fire within me to do this. I’m even learning how to make it more and more possible.

Finances are easy to manage, I don’t need very much. I enjoy cooking so I can do a food shop and not spend very much money. I’ve pretty much perfected living off of $30 or less from the grocery store each week. To be honest, I feel a lot healthier too. Sometimes towards the end of the week I start to run out of vegetables but by choosing to live meagerly I can save more money (once I balance out my monthly finances) and allow the world to open up to me.

If I can build a location independent income of around $2000 per month and leave New York with a $3k-$5k in savings, I may never need to stay in one location longer than I want to. I could drive out west and spend a month picking grapes for a winery (something I’ve always wanted to try out) then head up to Washington to try and find Mick Dodge. Since that show came out about him I’m completely fascinated.  I can also go to a bunch of film festivals around the country and market my documentary to gain investors. I’ve built out the budget and have some visual material as well, it will be an interesting piece that I can easily build an audience for and distribute online to make a return on investment.

Will you be joining me on this journey? Comment below on what you would like to hear more about!

With a variety of things floating through my head, I’m trying to clear the flotsam and stay focused. I’ve spent the last year or two cutting my anchors and feeling like I’m drowning in the waves but I’m starting to get my sea legs again. Here I am, putting my intentions out into the world and committing myself to this path in life. 

18 January , 2018 by Sam Categories: Change, IdeasTags: budget, goals, instagram, intentions, journey, life, lifestyle, personal, Photography, road trips, travel, Vagabond, web design Leave a comment

What has it all come to?!?

This past year has been an incredible journey of ups and downs, growth and regression. I’ve had days where I think that everything is amazing and I’ve had days where I’m in a desolate place. This month I am working on creating streams of income that are not location dependent, although I’ve been looking for something full time locally it hasn’t been working out so I’m switching to my other dream. I’m learning that it is all very possible and there is a lot of work involved to get there. Good thing I’m not afraid of hard work!

Today however is one of those desolate days where I’m down in the dumps. I’m okay saying it. Everyone has bad days and it doesn’t make you weak or less of a person or any of these preconceived notions. My finances are all out of whack and I’m facing decisions like can I afford to go to the grocery store? Can I afford to leave my apartment at all? Will I make ends meet this month?

All these questions bring a daunting feel to life itself. In case you are wondering, I’m opting not to go to the grocery store since I’ve got a gig Friday – Sunday that has me out of town. Instead I’ll eat pasta with butter or rice and beans since I have those handy. I might even have a bag of microwave popcorn lying around – I’m living large! One of my bills might be late this month but I crunched some numbers and I should make it happen. This afternoon I’m going to make some edits to my photography website and create a ‘classroom’ for my teaching audition. Yes I know it is an interview but the preparation feels like an audition. I’m learning to be more comfortable seeing myself on camera and owning myself. I am who I am and I’m not changing for anybody.

Despite my struggles, for the first time in my life I actually like myself and I consider that a major win. Turns out by writing this post I’ve turned my mentality around for the day!

10 January , 2018 by Sam Categories: Ideas Leave a comment

New Years 2018 Obligatory Post

We’re all guilty of it, New Years Eve comes around and we lose our minds. We party so hard that we can’t remember the resolutions we made. Even if the memory lingers we choose to forget it. I’ll never forget those January 1st’s where I wake up and remember nothing. Feeling more remorse than any positivity on the first day of a brand new, shiny year – full of possibilities.

When I was living in Florida, I inadvertently made a tradition and had a campfire at the beach to ring in the possibilities. Gandy Beach was usually the site of these episodes; I’ll never forget the first time it happened. My apartment wasn’t far from that beach so a group of us decided to go after hanging out at a pool nearby. We didn’t have any firewood or anything. The point wasn’t for a fire, we just wanted to see something nice together before graduation but when we got there we befriended these people that were leaving. They gave us their fire as long as we promised to put it out properly before we left. We all stood around that fire and talked about life and graduation and all the other things looming in our upcoming year. There would be so many changes, were we prepared? Looking into the fire I learned so much about myself in such a strange time in my life. This memory left such an impression with me, that I found myself drawn to the location every year a little more prepared.

Eventually building a fire at the beach was a constant tradition up until I moved away. It’s significance consistently grew and changed as the components of my life changed. I’ll never forget the year my dog dug a hole for our fire! Contemplation and relaxation became the centerpiece in preparation for the possibilities ahead.

This past year has been a roller coaster, 2017 was filled with new experiences good and bad. It signified my first year living in New York, finding my own apartment, living truly alone for the first time in 5 years, taking a solo trip to Dublin and Amsterdam as well as meeting my mom in Paris, losing a job even though I was good at it, being pushed to freelancing again and doing pretty okay with it, and some not so great stuff too.

In the New Year I hope to continue to put myself first and go on more adventures with my camera. I’m hoping to continue finding my career path and grow my creativity. So instead of going out I decided to stay in. To spend the night writing and sketching a storyboard, to sit with my various packs of index cards – they are my favorite organizational tool for writing. In the morning I’ll take my camera to a place I’ve never been and take some shots of a lighthouse at sunrise. I’ve spent the past week with myself creating better habits including leaving Netflix off and opting for Spotify instead. Creating space to get creative on a regular basis. If I want to set the tone for a better new year it’s time to step back to my roots of contemplation and relaxation.

What better way to start the year than to put on as many layers as possible and manifest your own goals? Montauk Lighthouse looks beautiful and I can’t wait to see what the light at sunrise will do for the location. This January 1st I’m going to finish the day feeling different than those that I woke up feeling remorse. I’ve always been a fan of creating your own destiny. Let’s see what 2018 brings with the continuation of my current goals and some new ones too. Cheers to new possibilities in 2018!

1 January , 2018 by Sam Categories: Ideas Leave a comment

First Day of the Rest of Your Life

Do you ever get the feeling that today is the first day of the rest of your life? I’m talking, you wake up in the morning and before you’ve even had your morning coffee you just know. There’s a strange feeling in your chest, an extra pep in your step. You’re not sure which way it is going to go but you know that the ground work you are putting in today is going to reflect into tomorrow.

Today is one of those days for me. I’ve been unemployed since October and doing freelance production work as a day player here and there but I have this strange feeling something big is coming. Perhaps it is the production coordinator position I interviewed for earlier this week – I find out today what their decision was and, if I get it, I start Monday and work through the middle of March. Or perhaps it is the phone interview I have in half an hour for a full time position with a company that has been around for twelve years. Media related, I could really learn a lot and potentially move up within the company. Maybe its neither of these things. Could it possibly be my in person interview this afternoon for a full time office production assistant/executive assistant position?

Truth be told, I want all three of them. I don’t really feel a preference towards one or the other because they all have different pros and cons that balance each other out. On the one hand, full time work would include some benefits and I haven’t been able to afford health insurance since college so that would be nice. On the other, it would prohibit me from continuing to freelance on different sets. Freelancing is fun because its different all the time and unpredictable. It’s also stressful because you never know when or where your next gig will show itself.

Regardless of the outcome of today, I really feel like something I’m doing today is going to greatly affect my tomorrow. Look out world – I’m climbing out of this hole!

8 December , 2017 by Sam Categories: Ideas Leave a comment

Room By Emma Donoghue – Book Review

It’s true what they say about this book – once I picked it up I lost sleep before putting it down.

When I first heard what the premise was for this book I was hesitant to read it, sure these kinds of travesties in humanity hold some kind of fascinating quality but they also completely freak me out. This tendency started when I was ten and started reading V.C. Andrew’s If There Be Thorns and the rest of that series – I couldn’t help but to imagine what it would be like to be in that situation.

I went to the book store with the intention to find a good read as I found a 48 hour block of time off, I saw the book. It saw me. It drew me in and forced me to read the first couple pages. I put the book down, walked around the store looking at other options. All the while I was thinking about that premise and how growing up in such a strange, small view of the world would be. I knew I needed to read the entire book, and I knew I could because the voice that Emma uses for the entire book is very clever.

Emma captivates her readers with Jack’s 5 year old view of his world and his attempt to understand it. His Ma does such a great job of creating an understanding for him that this is how the world is and there is nothing wrong with how they are living. Eventually you realize the severity of their situation and understand why Jack’s Ma raised him the way she did as well as why she needed to tell him the truth about the world outside of Room.

If you haven’t read it yet, I highly suggest picking up a copy before seeing the movie – which I will be doing next. Don’t worry I’ll let you know what I think of that also! I’m hoping the movie is at least half as good as the book because the book is heart wrenching and incredible. The kind of story the grips you and doesn’t allow you to put it down until the last letter has sunk into your head.

 

21 June , 201720 June , 2017 by Sam Categories: Reading, ReviewsTags: book, bookworm, Emma Donoghue, good reads, read, review, Room Leave a comment

Globetrotting Through Time

The beginning stages of any film is a nerve-racking yet exciting experience. To me, this stage of a documentary enhances these crazy emotions – especially when your subject matter is so special to you. As many of you already know, I’m heading to Amsterdam and Paris in September for a little vacation time.

What I haven’t revealed to the world yet is my intention to shoot some concept footage for a lengthy documentary project I am embarking upon. I’ve decided to call it Globetrotting Through Time. It is a documentary about recreating pictures that my Great Grandpa Louie took on one of his trips around the world back in the 60s. There will be side by sides of pictures from then and now as well as an expose on the process of finding these exact sites despite the inevitable changes 50 years will have on a place.

Amongst the globetrotting community, there is a theory that this wanderlust that drives us is hereditary. This theory will be explored in my documentary through interviews with my cousins who are obsessed with travel as well and potentially my Great Grandpa Louie’s only living daughter – my Great Aunt Rona who will share her experiences growing up with him and some insight into what was important to him. There will be excerpts from his travel journals read and various pictures shown from places such as Amsterdam, Paris, Tel Aviv, South Africa, Copenhagen, and many more places around the world.

This is a special piece to me because I think that it is rare to have such special relics from a time where the world was a different place, a time when a travel blog was in two separate pieces – the journal and the scrapbook – and they were only shared amongst family and friends.

20 June , 201720 June , 2017 by Sam Categories: Film, Ideas, PhotographyTags: 60s, documentary, film, globetrotting, movies, Photography, today, travel, traveltuesday, wanderlust Leave a comment

Its All Happening

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Tickets have been bought

Lodging has been booked

Planning has begun

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If you follow my other blog, Dream Across The World, you already know about my upcoming trip to Amsterdam and Paris with a long layover in Dublin! I’ve still got a few months before I go but I am bubbling over with excitement, this will be partially a cut loose and relax type of vacation and partially something else to be revealed later on. All the major expenses have been taken care of and I’ve started filling my days with things to see and activities to do.

All my dreams of traveling as much as possible are finally coming true – I’ve found a way to save enough money to make it a reality and you know what? It was easier than I thought! Once I committed myself to the goal and built a budget it was smooth sailing sticking to it – working a crazy amount of hours certainly helps in that goal! But I must admit it was much smoother sailing than my first surfing lesson which you can see in this snippet below:

Yep – that was me – and my daddy which I feel is rather appropriate to share with you on this Father’s Day. This time of year can be hard when your dad is no longer with you – even if you have a rollercoaster of good and bad memories with him. This was one of the good ones. I think he would be proud of the woman I have become – not afraid to fall and always willing to climb back up on the board. Dreams come true kids – don’t ever forget where you want to go and don’t ever forget where you came from. It will make you proud to see how far you have come.

19 June , 2017 by Sam Categories: Ideas Leave a comment

Instant Gratification

Since the recent changes in my life, I have chosen to take my own wellbeing into my own hands and take better care of me. This being said, I have been struggling with this whole ‘results take time’ thing. In the instant gratification world we live in I expect my healthy living results to be more visible by now! For a few weeks now I have been eating healthier (albeit not the healthiest but better than before) and working out regularly – I even joined my local gym recently. I still feel as if I have not seen any changes in my body which is truly discouraging. Any of you fitness and health people out there have any suggestions?

I know that results do take time, however I drink at least 70 ounces of water a day and I don’t drink my calories (cut out soda and other crap) with the exception of coffee with nonfat creamer. You don’t want to talk to me before my two cups of coffee. Being a vegetarian, protein intake is a bit of an issue for me so I have been paying close attention to it. I try to eat eggs every morning and have a veggie burger or other vegetarian protein source in the evening to keep these levels up. I’ve even started to incorporate some fish into my diet – it’s been a slow process because I am a wimp but in the last two months I’ve tried shrimp twice (pretty sure I’m allergic) and I ate a piece of a California roll. My biggest downfall is midnight snacking. As a writer and filmmaker, I am up all hours of the night and will sometimes indulge in a little candy or chocolate covered granola bar. All of which I know is bad for you but in my head ‘I can’t help it’.

I go to the gym for at least an hour every day, I start with 15-30 minutes of cardio and then I go upstairs and use some of the weight machines. I focus on my abs, butt, and arms utilizing a total of four machines since they are the only ones I know how to use. Then I try and go back downstairs and do a little more cardio to cool down. I’ve been 20 days strong with the last week being every single day and the weeks before 3x a week and I don’t feel like I see a difference. Every night when I get home from the gym I feel sore and gross and my muscles are shaking a bit. When I wake up in the morning I’m still a little sore but I feel good, I feel strong and like I’m on the right track. When I look in the mirror I don’t see any difference. There has to be something I can do to jumpstart the visual instant gratification I crave in order to keep motivated.

20 January , 2017 by Sam Categories: Change Leave a comment

Prompt 18: Cleaning

Cleaning: Hey, even writers and creative artists have to do housework sometimes. Write about doing laundry, dishes, and other cleaning activities.

 The bane of my existence is keeping a clean space, I always set out with the best of intentions to keep a tidy home and think that ideas will flow better in such an environment. It never works that way, I start my day with a cup of strong coffee – for the energy to clean of course. By the time I finish my cup I have started to read something interesting or have an idea to jot down. Even if I know it isn’t a good idea worth jotting down -it is certainly better than mopping the floor, doing dishes, or getting my laundry squared away. It is a nasty habit that I should really kick however I fear I am much too lazy to stress myself on such a matter. The one thing I find myself cleaning often is the window. Not just the window where I write but all the windows. I hate looking out and seeing spots deterring my view, what if I miss something integral out there? It is important to see the world for what it really is not be fogged with prejudices such as a dirty window to look out upon the world from. It would be as if you are a photographer taking pictures with a dirty lens.

16 January , 2017 by Sam Categories: Ideas, writing prompt Leave a comment