Leaving behind the life I knew, the things I held so dear to my heart, I felt unsure that this road was secure. Was I doing the right thing? The road ahead was long and winding, the road behind familiar. I kept driving. Although tears built in my eyes and fear in my heart I knew that although the road behind was familiar it was also perpetual. Those cycles kept spinning through my head and I knew that if I didn’t turn north through these winding roads I would never break that pattern. Nothing that is good is easy, going through the fear and uncertainty would bring me closer to the life I want.
“You are doing the right thing.” My road trip partner says to me, I nod with the conviction of an uncertain child.
“I’ll feel better once we cross the state line.” I respond, she nods and puts on a song we both know the words to.
“I can take the wheel if you want.” She yells over the music.
I shake my head, if I let go of this steering wheel I will lose hope. It will be as if I am giving up on my own destiny. Although grateful to have a companion on this nineteen hour drive, I knew that I needed her more for moral support than for driving support. After all, we would be in the mountains in no time. The changing of the seasons would ground me into the reality of the changes of my life.
We stop to fill the tank and stretch our legs – we have passed the state line but it still looks the same. I settle into the reality that my life will not be the same. A few more hours until I see mountains for the first time in my life. As I pump the gas, I look into the back seat and see my life carefully jigsawed into my small car. My heart races, what if I forgot something, what if I have lost my mind. Can I really live off of the few bags I have brought? A hand on my shoulder brings me back to reality.
Getting back on the road, I let her take the wheel for a bit so I can call and check in with my mom and my sister. They are happy we are making good progress and not hitting any bad weather or traffic. The usual things that family worry about. As I lose myself out the window I notice a deer looking at me through the woods. I must be in the heart of the country now. My gaze shifts to the front of the car just as we come around a corner I see the mountains in the clearing ahead. My spirits lift and I forget how nervous I was before. We are so close to our destination – the air smells different.
As we get off the interstate and stroll through the small town roads we are both delirious from lack of sleep. Arriving at our tiny house we have rented for the next two nights I am shocked at how big small can feel. When you allow yourself to be open to these experiences and changes wonderful things can come of it. Upon unloading the car of what we need, we decide to head into the city center for a bite to eat. It is at this moment that I remember it is my birthday. So much transformation on this significant day, a new year of life and a new life to lead.
Personal Pondering of Mine 