change – Personal Pondering of Mine

Road To Transformation

Leaving behind the life I knew, the things I held so dear to my heart, I felt unsure that this road was secure. Was I doing the right thing? The road ahead was long and winding, the road behind familiar. I kept driving. Although tears built in my eyes and fear in my heart I knew that although the road behind was familiar it was also perpetual. Those cycles kept spinning through my head and I knew that if I didn’t turn north through these winding roads I would never break that pattern. Nothing that is good is easy, going through the fear and uncertainty would bring me closer to the life I want.

“You are doing the right thing.” My road trip partner says to me, I nod with the conviction of an uncertain child.

“I’ll feel better once we cross the state line.” I respond, she nods and puts on a song we both know the words to.

“I can take the wheel if you want.” She yells over the music.

I shake my head, if I let go of this steering wheel I will lose hope. It will be as if I am giving up on my own destiny. Although grateful to have a companion on this nineteen hour drive, I knew that I needed her more for moral support than for driving support. After all, we would be in the mountains in no time. The changing of the seasons would ground me into the reality of the changes of my life.

We stop to fill the tank and stretch our legs – we have passed the state line but it still looks the same. I settle into the reality that my life will not be the same. A few more hours until I see mountains for the first time in my life. As I pump the gas, I look into the back seat and see my life carefully jigsawed into my small car. My heart races, what if I forgot something, what if I have lost my mind. Can I really live off of the few bags I have brought? A hand on my shoulder brings me back to reality.

Getting back on the road, I let her take the wheel for a bit so I can call and check in with my mom and my sister. They are happy we are making good progress and not hitting any bad weather or traffic. The usual things that family worry about. As I lose myself out the window I notice a deer looking at me through the woods. I must be in the heart of the country now. My gaze shifts to the front of the car just as we come around a corner I see the mountains in the clearing ahead. My spirits lift and I forget how nervous I was before. We are so close to our destination – the air smells different.

As we get off the interstate and stroll through the small town roads we are both delirious from lack of sleep. Arriving at our tiny house we have rented for the next two nights I am shocked at how big small can feel. When you allow yourself to be open to these experiences and changes wonderful things can come of it. Upon unloading the car of what we need, we decide to head into the city center for a bite to eat. It is at this moment that I remember it is my birthday. So much transformation on this significant day, a new year of life and a new life to lead.

9 January , 2017 by Sam Categories: Change, IdeasTags: change, Inspiration, life, personal, road trips, story, Tiny House, transformation, travel, writing Leave a comment

Body AND Mind

I have a love/hate relationship with working out: I love to look thin and healthy and I hate running. Calisthenics I don’t mind, but I would rather read or write and work out my mind instead. It is a serious problem because my personal discipline in saying no to my intellectual growth in leu of physical exercise is quite low. In the past, I have battled self-harm and the thought that this body/life doesn’t matter.

Clearly I was young and dumb, because life can matter if you make it. Start on the micro scale. What can you do in your community to make a difference? Then move on to what you can do with your life to make a difference. I have come to understand that through personal growth, but still struggle with body issues.

I haven’t taken a razor to my skin since 2011 and I am very proud of that. I have learned that I am capable of feeling and it is okay to feel it on the inside and not need to inflict physical pain on myself. My body image is where I place these self-harm feelings these days. I don’t like to look at myself in the mirror – especially not naked. What I see disgusts me. I’m not sure how I got here, but I aim to improve my self-worth and create an image I am proud of.

As much as I would like to be back into the shape I was in during my lacrosse days, I am much more focused on just being healthy. It is a lifestyle change. I want to eat more fruits and veggies and drink more water. I want to be active every day. Running is fine and dandy but swimming laps is another option which I love. I’m also thinking about incorporating yoga in my routine because it helps me meditate. A healthy balance of working out the body and the mind is what I need to find. It is okay to favor one to the other but it is not okay to neglect one completely.

Over the last two weeks I have lost five pounds by eating at home more and walking further with each dog every day. I have two of them and they don’t walk well together – they are too independent and want to go in opposite directions so I always walk them separately. This is also helpful for my workout plans because if I walk one of them further than usual every day I’m going to walk the other the same length to be fair. They both need the exercise as well and it helps me get out there too.

These are the only changes I have made. To me, this is a testament to how out of shape I am. So now I am incorporating Monday through Friday running or swimming. I’m a server so Saturdays and Sundays are difficult but if I can fit it in… Anyways, since I prefer swimming I will do laps three days a week and run twice which means each dog will have their day.

As well as this routine and healthier eating habits, I have an accountability partner for working out physically as well as a writing partner for holding me accountable in that aspect. I think these people will help me reach my personal goals and keep a more disciplined outlook on how I treat my body and my mind. I hope you enjoyed the pictures of my babies, they make me happy every day with their cuddles. They even cuddle together, here is one last parting picture:

13 September , 2015 by Sam Categories: ChangeTags: body, change, discipline, dogs, exercise, growth, life, mind, puppies, self harm, structure, work out Leave a comment

Believing in The Face of Opportunity

A few new opportunities have been coming my way and it has reshaped the way I wish to live my daily life. I have been thinking a lot about how I miss playing Lacrosse and performing, as well as wanting to leave the restaurant industry for good ad go full time creative. Recently, I wrapped a web series I was working on as the Script Supervisor and found inspiration for a few stories within myself to write. Unfortunately those stories must stay private for the time being.

An old lacrosse friend reached out to me about being a referee for local high school games and leagues recently. Another friend asked if I would be willing to teach an acting class to some children in my hometown at a dance studio. These both seem like a lot of fun however I feel a bit under qualified so I think I should take both these opportunities as a wake up call.

I need to do some work on myself to be able to take the opportunities I want for my life. These changes include completing the screenwriting certification course I started to boost morale, daily running to get in better shape for refereeing, and daily study and practice of breathing techniques and acting. I also want to spend time everyday in my office working on stories, I have too many incomplete scripts and it is frustrating. I want to add at least two new finished scripts by 2016.

I believe that if I work hard at filling my hours with goal oriented activity I can get enough gigs where I can leave the restaurant industry. I can be a ref during season and work on projects around that both on and off screen. I can even be a substitute teacher to supplement as needed. However I think that if I get some updated head shots I can get enough gigs acting and working on set that I won’t have to do that.

For now though it’s about creating a routine. Living in Florida means mid day running is suicide so I will have to start waking up earlier and running while it is still a little cool. Come home, take care of the dogs, shower, make coffee, take care of the plants and house work, write for an hour mid afternoon, and read up on techniques, rules, and random free courses I stumble upon before work, go to work, and afterwards watch movies for inspiration. That sounds like a perfect day; a nice balance of things I enjoy and things I could live without.

My meal plan creation has inspired me to bring some more order to my day to day life and I think it will have a positive affect. I’m buying a blender soon so I can have smoothies and help me in my dinnertime cooking – I think this will also help me stay healthy and able for lacrosse refereeing. I’m going to send my resume to the owner of the dance studio and hope it works out.

I believe that I am more capable than I think I am.

23 July , 201523 July , 2015 by Sam Categories: Change, IdeasTags: acting, balance, believe, change, film, fitness, florida, goals, lacrosse, lifestyle, opportunity, restaurant industry, running, script, server life, staying accountable, theater, writing Leave a comment

The Only People For Me Are The Mad Ones

I’m really sick of people today, people of my generation, who do nothing with their lives except talk about other people. It is as if they are flimsy loose leaf paper. I need people around me who are mad to live, who talk about ideas and goals and wish to make a change in the world. People that are as sturdy as the heaviest card stock, filled with substance and life. I believe that if you want to make a change and you are passionate about something you need to surround yourself with other passionate people. They don’t have to be passionate about the same things as you, but passionate about something enough that they are consumed by it. That they eat, sleep, and breathe it. People of action.

If all you fill your time with is the simple trials and tribulations of others and everyday life, then you are not allowing yourself to reach your full potential. You are cutting yourself short of achieving your goals. It saddens me when I see someone with so much promise who settles for mediocrity and oddly enough is content in it. The world has so much to offer and humans as a species are capable of a myriad of things. Imagine the possibilities if only you believe. Believe in yourself. Believe in your ideas. Believe that you can make a difference and surely you will.

There are too many sheep in our generation, people that are content following each other on twitter and facebook and complaining about silly nothings. We need to stand up and prove to everyone – including ourselves – that growth is possible. We will not be sophomoric forever. We have only been given one world and if we give up on caring and allow ourselves to become zombies surely it will be taken away. Opportunity is waiting for you, just knock and see.

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.”
― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

9 May , 20157 May , 2015 by Sam Categories: UncategorizedTags: adventure, burn, change, facebook, generation, jack kerouac, mad, opportunity, paper, passion, people, social, society, twitter, world, zombies Leave a comment

Tattoos to Relax

It’s a crazy thing that happens when you enjoy pain. The humming of the tattoo gun becomes the anthem to your meditation and you finally relax. The light burning sensation helps bring a soothing balance to my soul. My last ink was in August of 2011 on the day of my dad’s funeral. I couldn’t put the events of that week in my past without solidifying it on my body. If I was in high school still I would have probably killed myself. I know it sounds harsh but it would have been an accident. During that sophomoric period of my life I didn’t believe that I was capable of feeling pain or love or happiness so to be sure I was alive I would drag a razor across my leg or arm and create words or pictures – even play tic tac toe. Today I am ashamed of my scars but as Papa Roach taught me, my scars remind me that the past is real. Instead of a razor, I can receive that same reminder by adding symbolism and art to my body so I will always remember. On Friday I will be getting my fourth tattoo. After four o’clock I will permanently have the word ‘Imagine’ on my wrist to not only remind the writer in me to stay true to my own imagination but also as a tribute to my favorite John Lennon song. I truly believe that this little word will change so much in my life. Not only will I have my constant reminder, but it will also be the first tattoo that I get with my boyfriend of two years as well as solid proof that I am capable of feeling. I am no longer numb. My heart and soul is open and I am ready to experience everything the world has for me.

***ADDED LATER***

14 January , 201519 July , 2015 by Sam Categories: ChangeTags: change, enjoyment, future, girlswithtattoos, happiness, imagine, ink, john lennon, pain, papa roach, past, present, tattoo 2 Comments

Road Trips, Planning, and Other Ramblings

I’ve been living in Florida for nearly all my life, with the exception of the first two years, the year I lived in New York, and the three months I lived in The Netherlands. I’ve become accustomed to all it has to offer. My love for beaches will never go away but neither will my yearning to see more. Hurricanes have become a reason for drinks and games. Nothing is scary after living on a barrier island during hurricane season and watching the island disappear during the water surge. Kayaking down the street with four feet of water under your raft really changes your perception on things.

I’m ready to leave this place and experience life in a season other than perpetual summer. I want to understand what driving in the mountains and through snow is like; I know it is dangerous but I’m up for the challenge.

I want to know what the air smells like at a higher altitude. I yearn to experience a new kid of adventure. So I have decided it is time. I’m torn between gutting it out to California and paying a crazy amount for water or going somewhere like Colorado, Arizona, Washington, or Oregon. They all have pros and cons as far as schools for my masters once I gain residency, affordability, and opportunity.

Planning a road trip is hard. I know I sound like a whinny baby, but it’s true. Saving has been the sole goal of the last few months and we have six months left until our lease is up. I’m thankful to have someone to go with and to lean on for support in times of emotional and physical need. To have a partner to take on this challenge with and share in the responsibilities has helped my confidence in my own decision making.

We have decided to camp the whole way wherever we go and have already invested in a four person tent to fit my boyfriend, two dogs, and I. We also acquired a couple of sleeping bags and backpacks. I have an uneasy feeling looking around my apartment and knowing how much of it I will never see again. I’m only taking my books, art supplies, a small amount of memorabilia from my travels, and about two weeks worth of clothes. Minimization is key to making a move of this magnitude. The goal is to find a job in one of these places before we leave. I’m being picky though because I really want to work as a writer or filmmaker in some capacity after my move. The service industry is killing my soul, it is time to move on up in the world and put my unique set of skills to use. Time to focus on me and filling every moment with happiness.